Why Asking for Referrals Ruins the Relationship
So I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .
Yesterday I was at my hair salon, and saw Beth.
I used to go to Beth. Now I go to Michael.
It happened pretty organically; I needed an appointment, Beth was out, the receptionist said Michael was available. The next time I called Beth was busy, but Michael was available.
I was afraid it would be uncomfortable, but Beth was cool.
She stopped by, put her hand on my shoulder and said
“Looks great.”
After awhile I stopped even asking for Beth.
If Michael’s not available I check another day.
Now, imagine you’re Beth.
How Could This Happen?
Here’s an interesting piece of information:
I was referred to Beth.
By Amy.
Amy still goes to Beth.
So, I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .
and I remembered the last time Beth cut my hair.
I was standing at the desk, paying, and Beth came up to me with four cards.
“I’ve got space for a few more clients,” she said.
You’ve been taught that script, right?
Jason Wright uses a variation of it very successfully.
“Here are three of my cards with your name on them,” Beth said.
“Give them to your friends.
When they come in, I’ll give them 20% off.
When three of your referrals come in I’ll give you a free haircut,
and a free massage from Juan. This is Juan. He’s terrific.”
So I went back to the office, walked over to Amy, and said,
“Look what I just got from Beth!”
Amy took the cards in two hands,
looked at them,
looked up
and said,
“She’s never given me a free haircut,
and I’ve referred more than three people to her. I sent you.
And I sent Sarah. And I sent Rebecca. And I sent Diane.”
and she handed the cards back to me.
This is worth thinking about.
This is what Dan Airely researched.
If I have to choose between Beth and Amy, Beth loses. Every time.
If I have to choose between benefit for myself and offending Amy, I opt out.
Every time.
Without even thinking about it.
So, I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .
and it occurred to me why asking for referrals backfires.
- Years ago we were at a New Year’s Eve party.
As we walked in the host greeted us with“Mr. Important is coming!
Isn’t that great? We’re so excited that Mr. Important would come
to our party. It’s going to be a great party once Mr. Important gets here.”
I remember thinking: Then we can leave.
but I don’t think I said it out loud.
Mr. Important never did show up.
I think we opted out of future invitations from them.
Don’t you always want to feel like the important guest?
Then how can there possibly be any benefit
in telling guests they are less important than anyone else?
And it occurred to me in my sleep this morning . . .
that when Beth asked me to refer my friends to her,
and offered 20% off – times three friends
plus 100% off for me
and a massage worth even more than that
I heard her say that my [unknown] friends were more important to her
than I was.
And when one of my friends felt left out,
I opted out of Beth’s party.
So the answer came to me in my sleep this morning . . .
asking for referrals backfires
because it makes the person being asked
feel less important.
That is an interesting set of dots that you connected through the eyes of a customer – and in your sleep no less!
Beth thought she was making you a great offer, but clearly crossed over that fine line between (A) asking for (buying?) a referral, and (B) asking how likely it would be that you might refer her to others. Had she asked the latter, it would have been about you as a valued customer — had she done enough to earn your referrals moving forward? The former is all about her, and signing you up as a sales agent serves her purpose of making more $$$.
If she had proceeded through Door B, and then been genuinely interested in your response, you more than likely would have volunteered the referrals. She pretty clearly assumed that you would latch on to her motives (I need more money now). Those pesky assumptions…
This issue/situation is close to the top for me, as well. Just today, one of my clients came out of left field and insisted that we have a 2-way finders fee arrangement in place in order for him to introduce me to a few of his other colleagues. His intent is pretty clearly “How can I leverage my Coach’s expertise and make some extra cash, all in the name of a referral?” When I said that I don’t operate that way and don’t accept such fees from referring partners, nor do I give them out, it stopped the conversation. He may soon be an ex-client — by my choice.
The bottom line is that referrals are earned based relationship strength, and sales leads are purchased in a business transaction. The two just don’t mix very well, and the unintended consequence of not knowing the difference is that Michael has a new client!
# Posted By Larry Warnick | 9/8/08 9:05 PM
Thanks Larry. I agree that Door B would have been to her advantage, and to your client’s too!
A couple of years ago I had the privilege of picking Sally Helgesen up at the airport. That drive time back to Buckhead is priceless! When she found out what I do she asked why her referral group wasn’t working – what consultant wouldn’t want to refer another consultant in, for work they weren’t going to get anyway, and get 10% of a $60-80K fee.
It appears the answer, from Sally’s perspective, is none. Their consortium of 8 hadn’t passed a single internal referral since making the standard fee agreement.
Interesting.
# Posted By Wendy L. Kinney | 9/8/08 10:19 PM
I ‘m not clear on this concept. On the surface this seems to be totally contrary to standard business practices.
I love your answer Goldie.
And, I agree with you – it IS contrary to what everyone else is doing.
And that is why I think that people don’t get more referrals.
I received an email last week from a guy I like, and underneath his short message, but above his sig file, in BIG RED letters, he’d put
I am never too busy for your referrals
So what does that mean? He’s fishing for compliments?
My mama taught me not to do that.
Does it mean he doesn’t really care about the message to me, only who I can refer to him?
(His message to me was in 12 point font, the red was 22 point.)
Does it mean he thinks, really, that I don’t know what he does,
and that I would, really, miss an opportunity to refer to him?
Really?
Not too complimentary about me – or him, for that matter.
Okay, now you take the other side!
Eagerly, W!
I really get what you’re saying about asking clients for referrals. So the lesson is if you want a referral based business, build better relationships with GateOpeners instead of wasting time canvasing clients.
Well, right now I’m thinking “don’t ASK anyone for a referral.”
If we are so clear about our 17 characteristics that when we
are talking about our business we include them, people will
think of prospects for us … naturally … instead of feeling
PUSHED!
Wendy,
You have made a case for something that is often overlooked in this hi tech world of ours….common sense!!! Too often we assume certain norms of behavior whether personal or business…loved the article! Enjoyed your workshop!!!
Thanks Lloyd.
I’m not sure I agree that this is common sense.
Referral systems have not been well trained in our society, so for many people the idea that using sales techniques in a referral situation should work would seem like common sense.
My mission: to let people know referrals are different than sales!
Join me?
[...] replied to Steve with a link to my article Why Asking for a Referral Ruins the Relationship, and suggested we discuss the possibilities here. Steve answered: I really get what you said about [...]
Right now my head is spinning just a bit. I feel like I’ve been hit with a combination of high school logic (if A then B) and high school lterature (trying to keep up with the double and triple negatives creating positives and double negatives).
For me, this reminds of when I offered to host a private celebratory dinner for one of my best client relationships. They initially jumped on the opportunity. But, when I asked themwhere they wanted to have it and who they wanted to invite, they started to get quiet on me.
They ultimately STOPPED referring new clients to me. They are still great clients, and our relationship has actually gotten stronger. But, apparently my private dinner suggestion crossed a line to them, ad they put up a concrete wall.
I don’t know if it was a lesson learned, or if there is more to that story below the surface. Regardless, it did make me a little hesitant to pull the trigger again…
Ah – I’m writing the chapter in my book about this right now.
Rule #1 with Affinity Marketing: (that’s what you wanted to do, market WITH them) is do it all. No task list items for them. Asking them to decided where and who was one of three reasons this backfired. (Call me if you’d like to know the others.)
There is an effective system for asking clients for referrals outlined in Scott Kramnick’s book “Expecting Referrals.” It has 3 steps. Step 1 and Step 2 are the same, but it’s important not to skip Step 2, or, as you experienced, the result will be unsatisfactory. (Let me know if you’d like me to share the system here.)
Now the good news: you can start getting referrals from these clients again. Use 3-sentence stories that follow the P.A.R. formula.
This type of story works because [1] it is resonant, [2] it is focused on their friend’s result [3] it is short – 15 seconds.
Go make money – W!