Wendy's Desk » Thoughts

Referrals Don’t Come From Conversation Stoppers

Wendy — Sun, 16 May 2010 23:34:24 +0000

Meet someone you know, whether at a business event or restaurant, and right away you’ll be asked the ubiquitous “How’s it going?”

My answer has been “Busy! We’ve just got no time to breath we’re so busy!”

And then I started watching the result of my answer:
it stopped conversation.
Really.
If you ask, and I give you this answer, you’ll nod, and smile, and move on.

That is not the way to get referrals!

It’s been hard, but I’m training myself to say “This week I’m working with a client who . . .”
with the speed and ease I used to blurt out “Busy!”

It’s been hard to change the habit because

It’s a habit after all.
That means I do it without thinking.
Now I have to think.
Thinking is hard.
I feel valued by my work, and by my busy-ness.
If I’m not busy, I’m not valued.
Therefore, I want to be busy.
(Show-off.)

I’m eager to hear your thoughts.
Have you already had this epiphany?
If yes, how did you get into a new habit?
If no, is this concept resonating with you?
Tell me why.

The Way You Make Me Feel–The Way I Want To Make You Feel

Wendy — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 16:40:07 +0000

For three months (out of every 10) five of us focus on developing a training program. We work hard to be creative, we put in extra hours, we decline invitations, we focus on fun, and we always keep in the front of our minds the singular fact that the 200 people attending have chosen to, aren’t being paid to be there, and must receive a very real Return On Investment for their personal businesses.

Individually the 200 people don’t think about anyone but them self.
That’s natural.
They don’t know our focus in on them and their benefit; they simply don’t give this the same value we do.
That’s natural too.

When one of them cancels at the last minute, with the self-validating reason “I know all this, just give me the handouts, I don’t need your information” I admit to being susceptible to a deep blue funk.
I think that’s natural, too.
And I try my very best to suck it up, understand, and get over myself.

But this post isn’t about whining . . . really!
This post is to say thank you to the two people who lifted me out of self pity.

The first was Hildee Isaacs.
At 7:34 on Sunday morning she sent an email:

“I never thought to email visitors a copy of my InfoMinute! I will definitely do this in the future, thanks!

I thought your entire team did a highly energized, well informed and professional training. I wish it could have been 30 minutes longer to allow for more Q & A.

Thanks for the opportunities you offer me!”

Here’s what made me sing with a smile: she told me where she got value.
She didn’t say “good info” –not much value in that–she said “I never thought to email visitors a copy of my InfoMinute! I will definitely do this in the future.”
That’s her value.
I need to know that she gets value.
Her ROI is my focus.

Next she complimented my team.
Oh, I’m grateful for that.
They’ve worked so hard, and for her to notice makes it worthwhile.
And then . . . then, she asked for more! More! 30 minutes MORE!
She validated the benefit!

YOWZA!
My feet still hurt,
my hips are still sore,
I’m not looking forward to the 4am alarm clock to set up tables,
or schlepping in six 2.5 gallon water jugs in the rain,
or coming back to a InBox that will take three days to respond to…

But I don’t care, because she got benefit. YAY!

Two hours later Dan Hagaman’s email hit my box:

“I am scheduled to attend officer training on Monday and am unfortunately stuck in Baltimore due to the snow storm of the century. It will be Monday evening before I will be able to get a flight back to Atlanta. I really never dreamed that I would be stuck in Baltimore. What can I do about the training? Any way to reschedule something for middle of the week before my Team’s regulary scheduled meeting on Friday? Please let me know. Thank you!!!”

Thank you, Dan Hagaman.

Thank for letting me know with a reason–before, instead of an excuse–after.
Thank you for suggesting a quick recoup.
Thank you for validating what you missed, and wanting to have it before you need it.

Perhaps not coincidentally Hildee and Dan are on the same Team. I’m betting their like responses are an indication of great Team leadership. So, my loud THANK YOU to the leaders who carry the torch.

Happier now, in my head, I’m thinking of how I could be more like Hildee and more like Dan.
For that list, I solicit your help.
What could I do that would validate your hard work, the work I don’t even know you do? What pulls you out of an “is this even worth it?” funk?

Grateful, and eager to see your ideas, W!

This Makes My Eyes Water. [It's written by my high school {now Facebook} friend Allan Clarke]

Wendy — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:07:25 +0000

Allan and I dated in high school.
Twenty years earlier my mom had dated his dad.

Allan is the person who got me
{and the rest of our class}
on Facebook.

So though I haven’t seen him, or spoken with him in
– gosh, can it be 30 years? 34? –
I remember his folks, and his younger sister and brother.
(Oh, I have stories about his brother!)

There is another reason his story is real to me: it happened to my Aunt Vera. She was 67, and deemed “past usefulness” and therefore ineligible for health care. Even pain moderation. Aunt Vera’s experience has been the reason I’m against nationalized health care.

Twenty-five years later nothing has changed: Allan’s parents are living Aunt Vera and Uncle Bill’s deja vu.

My Mom’s story… and what it means to us in the USA

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 10:59pm

Just three weeks or so ago, I removed my mother from the “public option” in Canada and rented a motor-home to bring her to the US for proper care… (read that as “care directed toward and presuming survival instead of rapid demise!”)Let me share our story as briefly as I can. Late last year my mother, who lives in Canada, was diagnosed with a heart problem… atrial fibrillation. As best I can understand it, that’s a valve problem that causes turbulence near the heart and causes the blood to pool and clot. Instead of prescribing a blood thinner, which I understand is common practice here… the doctor suggested she “take a baby aspirin” everyday… and that was supposed to take care of the issue. In February my mom had a TIA. With the TIA it’s common for the stroke symptoms to subside within 24 hours… which hers did. Because they subsided her doctor did… NOTHING!

Now anybody who knows these patterns knows that the TIA is a precursor to a full blown stroke.

At minimum she should have been given a blood thinner at that time… but she is 76… and after all meds are expensive and she was just “sucking pension funds out of the public coffers.” Bottom line… it isn’t the policy of the Canadian Single-Payer Healthcare system to do much at all for citizens over 65, let alone 70.

So she continued on her baby aspirin knowing that the big stroke was coming… it was just a matter of time. She drafted a document, and asked myself and my siblings to sign it, stating that if either parent were incapacitated, to the point where their care would be hard for the other parent, we agreed to do all in our power to encourage the well parent to institutionalize the incapacitated parent.

She knew that she was facing a certain stroke… or worse…. and that she would get little or no remedial care from her Government-run Healthcare. they would, however, provide nursing-home care until she died.

On Sunday, June 28 she was feeling particularly ill. her heart was racing and her blood pressure was very low… classic atrial fibrillation symptoms… I talked to my folks and they said they were concerned but that they were monitoring the situation. They’d been to Urgent Care and they’d been told that her heart rate was high and her BP low… they knew that already! I told my dad to get her to the ER immediately, that either a stroke or heart attack were imminent. He said they’d been to the ER and they’d finally given her a blood thinner (8 months too late!) but she was too nauseated to keep it down.

The stroke had already started… the nausea was a symptom. I suggested strongly that she go to the ER… STAT! My dad agreed and left immediately to get her there. As they pulled up to the ER door my father said “I’ll drop you off and park the car.” No sooner had he said that than she slumped over toward him in the car.

He asked if she was alright and she said she was, but she couldn’t move to open the door or get out. The stroke had hit! They did a round of TPA to break up the clots, but otherwise no medication, no therapy, and no pain meds, even though her back pain was severe. She’d always managed her back pain, as many of us who are older do, with exercise. Since she couldn’t walk, she just had to lay there and take it.

One of the nurses asked my sister who was caring for mom before she came into the ER. My sister said that she’d lived at home with my dad. The nurse seemed credulous… “at her age?” Julie replied that if she’d gotten to ER 20 minutes earlier she would have walked in on her own. The nurse asked my sister where mom’s false teeth were… Julie said she didn’t have any… “Oh, she left them at home?” “No” Julie replied, “She has her own teeth.” “I don’t think so,” said the nurse… “Not at her age!”

The sense we got from everyone on those first few days was that they expected her to pass on quickly and “of course we don’t want any heroic measures…”

I know that’s a long tale but I told it all to give you a flavor of what health-care will be like with a single-payer government system.

I think we’re at a real crossroads in American history… a “tipping point” if you will…

We have to decide if the citizens are going to live FOR THE GOVERNMENT or if the government will exist to promote the well-being and interests of the citizens.

I’ve seen some of the more socialized systems… they’re survivable… but they have stripped the people of any real hope or incentive to be the best at what they do… or even to do what they do to the best of their current ability.

Socialism inserts a strange “third party” into the consciousness. It’s not just the individual functioning as best they can in the world… There’s a kind of Santa Claus entity that “knows what’s best for you,” rules your life, and uses your money to provide for yourself and others at whatever level it deems best. It assumes the role of both God-like wisdom as to what your needs are. and complete feudal lordship over all that you own and produce.

That’s the kind of tyranny that this countries founders fought a revolution and risked their “lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor” to defeat. We would do well to realize that the strange entity is not our friend if it’s not our servant.

On a recent trip to Ireland my friend sat in a small local pub and talked to the townsfolk gathered there. they asked him why America hadn’t help the psunami victims. He replied that we had sent millions to help… we’d done bike-a-thons and fund drives… done all kinds of things to get money to send over.

They said “But your government didn’t help…”

“And then,” he said “it dawned on me… Their government isn’t the people… it’s another entity that in some sense owns as well as represents them.”

As I watch what is happening here daily… the struggle for more federal control of all aspects of our lives… I wonder what it will take to rid ourselves of the mounting tyranny if it’s allowed to run its course.

I was a political liberal in my 20s… Until I worked a summer and fall in the projects of Benton Harbor, Michigan. I saw first-hand how degrading and dangerous the lack of incentive can be. I saw how wasteful of tremendous human potential it is to make the dignity of work unnecessary. I saw that people don’t care for, or take pride in, what they don’t earn… and how they devalue themselves for giving up that dignity and self-determination.

It changed me and my political philosophy forever.

We do need to provide lavish short-term life saving intervention in situations of dire need. But we must never provide it so lavishly, or for so long that the incentive to strive, to live out ones own life adventure and serve others is replaced by indolence, entitlement, self-pity and apathy.

“Short term life-saving care… long-term dignity producing work and trade… I think most smart people can hold those two thoughts in their brain at one time!” – Bill Hybels

We do need to protect our environment from needless abuse and waste… we don’t need to worship it as though it created us.

We need our government to provide extravagantly for the national defense… and equitably for her national defenders.

We need to hold our elected officials to account for their use of any funds on our behalf… especially funds we haven’t even earned yet.

We need to say loudly and clearly to and through our representatives that we don’t want the government owning banks, manufacturing facilities, hospitals, insurance companies or any other businesses that compete with unfair advantage and on uneven ground with the businesses we own.

We need to be in charge of our own lives… and deaths… within the confines of morality and the laws of the land. Not to have rationed heath-care and have it delivered in an “economy” where the government is incentivized TOWARD our death! THAT IS AN UNEXCUSABLE CONFLICT OF INTEREST!

We need to look for and rally around articulate, intelligent and thoughtful leaders who understand what hand-outs and special interest policies do to a nation and it’s people over time… and who abhor that path. The current political junta knows the outcome… they just embrace it toward their own ends!

This is not an easy road I’m proposing… the path will be strewn with boulders of legislation and social programs gone awry… but it is a road toward renewed prosperity, dignity and productivity.

Our founding fathers had seen first hand how increasing taxation was tyrannical… How it spins out of control starting on the first day of its enaction… and empowers and accelerates corruption until the only thing that can reign it in is revolution.

Let’s stand up and use our voices and our votes to attempt the required changes… let’s renew and re-envigorate the political process and force it to serve the people… all the people… again! And most of all let’s pray for God’s wisdom… protection and mercy as we attempt to bring freedom… once again… into favor in this still great country!

. . . and the Guilt-free Time to Enjoy It.

Wendy — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:13:00 +0000

I have a fantasy.
One day I finish everything on my task list. Everything! All emails are answered, all phone calls returned, all issues resolved, all writing due for the next week proofed and printed. Nothing important, nothing urgent, nothing wishful or hopeful left to do. Thank you notes mailed, birthday wishes sent, family happy, friends content. By 4 o’clock I’m headed home to cook dinner for, oh, 12. An evening of candlelight, conversation, ideas and inspiration.

Yeah, well, I said it was a fantasy.

Reality check:
I have multiple task lists, interrupted daily, no, hourly, by urgent and important opportunities and responsibilities. The things I truly want to do, write a book, create a video podcast, promote a Marketing MasterMind group, never come to the top of the list. An evening with friends is carved out once a month, no – three or four times a year. It’s been years since we hosted a party at the loft. Years since – ah, I’m embarrassed to say. The only thing that got me this far is the sure knowledge that your life is very much like mine. Hundreds of unanswered email messages, Facebook updates, LinkedIN questions. Thousands of tweets untwittered,

Thursday morning I looked at my unanswered voicemails.
Dianna’s birthday was seven weeks ago. We’d last talked three months before that, promising to get together in a few weeks. Hadn’t seen each other since New Year’s Day at Nancy’s. I had called with Happy Birthday wishes. Dianna left a reply the next day. I still hadn’t returned it.

Guilt.
And yearning.
And a feeling of loss.
And missing my friend.

So I called, and suggested pancakes Sunday morning. (I know she likes pancakes, well, she likes butter, and pancakes are good with butter.) And she said yes! She said yes! And she came over, and we hugged and talked and ate and drank, and hugged and laughed and thought and brainstormed. We explored and questioned and delved and wondered. And six short hours later she had to go, a ziplock of pancakes and another of George’s Oatmeal Pecan Chocolate Chip Cookies in her bag.

For six glorious hours my fantasy was reality.

Dianna on the Sunday of happiness.

A Credible Claim to Pride

Wendy — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:35:42 +0000

When I saw her name on the list I knew what I should do,
I just didn’t know if I could do it.

Little clue: If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be sharing this with you.
The fact that I am sharing is confirmation
this is the first time I’ve ever been this brazen.

We hadn’t met.
She presented at the National Speakers Association in San Diego two years ago.

Two years ago, that’s a long time.

And subsequently sent me a copy of her book.
Not because she knew me,
just because my name was on the list of attendees.

There is no way she would know me,
I didn’t go up to speak with her afterward,
I didn’t write her a note,
I didn’t make myself known to her in any way.

So I picked up the phone,
was grateful to get voicemal,
and left this message:
“Hello Elizabeth, My name is Wendy Kinney, I was in your audience when you spoke for NSA in San Diego two years ago. I see that you are speaking for the NAPO conference this Friday; I’m on the program too. The Georgia Chapter of NSA meets on Saturday, and our board dinner is Friday night. I’d love to invite you to join us, both for dinner and for our Saturday meeting. You can reach me at . . .”

Jump right to the end of the story.
I have two new friends!
Two.
Because Elizabeth called back to say she would love to join the
NSA board for dinner, could she bring her hostess.

(Elizabeth lives in Souix Falls, South Dakota.
She was staying with Leslie while in Atlanta.)

Friday morning Elizabeth and I met because
we were doing back-to-back breakouts in the same room.
We shared a lav mic, and tips.

She showed me the hot pink table cover
she uses to reinforce her brand;
I showed her the ZOOM I record on.

At the break she introduced me to her Atlanta hostess Leslie,
who shook my hand while saying,
“My husband has heard you speak.
He still has the handout on his desk, he said to tell you he refers to it frequently.”

In my after lunch keynote I shared with 100 women that
I am shy and introverted.
Across the table at dinner Elizabeth leaned forward to say
“I’m introverted too.
I’m so glad you called.
How did you make yourself do that?”

And then, we made arrangements to share a room in Scottsdale.

Cost: One phone call with heart in my hands.
Reward: New friend Elizabeth,
new friend Leslie,
and I save $225 in hotel expense!

Share with me! Share with me!
When have you done the hard thing you knew you should do,
and what where your wonderful rewards?

Why Asking for Referrals Ruins the Relationship

Wendy — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:58:39 +0000

So I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .

Yesterday I was at my hair salon, and saw Beth.
I used to go to Beth. Now I go to Michael.

It happened pretty organically; I needed an appointment, Beth was out, the receptionist said Michael was available. The next time I called Beth was busy, but Michael was available.

I was afraid it would be uncomfortable, but Beth was cool.
She stopped by, put her hand on my shoulder and said
“Looks great.”

After awhile I stopped even asking for Beth.
If Michael’s not available I check another day.

Now, imagine you’re Beth.
How Could This Happen?

Here’s an interesting piece of information:
I was referred to Beth.
By Amy.
Amy still goes to Beth.

So, I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .

and I remembered the last time Beth cut my hair.
I was standing at the desk, paying, and Beth came up to me with four cards.
“I’ve got space for a few more clients,” she said.

You’ve been taught that script, right?
Jason Wright uses a variation of it very successfully.

“Here are three of my cards with your name on them,” Beth said.
“Give them to your friends.
When they come in, I’ll give them 20% off.
When three of your referrals come in I’ll give you a free haircut,
and a free massage from Juan. This is Juan. He’s terrific.”

So I went back to the office, walked over to Amy, and said,
“Look what I just got from Beth!”

Amy took the cards in two hands,
looked at them,
looked up
and said,
“She’s never given me a free haircut,
and I’ve referred more than three people to her. I sent you.
And I sent Sarah. And I sent Rebecca. And I sent Diane.”
and she handed the cards back to me.

This is worth thinking about.
This is what Dan Airely researched.
If I have to choose between Beth and Amy, Beth loses. Every time.
If I have to choose between benefit for myself and offending Amy, I opt out.
Every time.
Without even thinking about it.

So, I was thinking in my sleep this morning . . .
and it occurred to me why asking for referrals backfires.

Years ago we were at a New Year’s Eve party.
As we walked in the host greeted us with“Mr. Important is coming!
Isn’t that great? We’re so excited that Mr. Important would come
to our party. It’s going to be a great party once Mr. Important gets here.”

I remember thinking: Then we can leave.
but I don’t think I said it out loud.

Mr. Important never did show up.

I think we opted out of future invitations from them.

Don’t you always want to feel like the important guest?
Then how can there possibly be any benefit
in telling guests they are less important than anyone else?

And it occurred to me in my sleep this morning . . .

that when Beth asked me to refer my friends to her,
and offered 20% off – times three friends
plus 100% off for me
and a massage worth even more than that
I heard her say that my [unknown] friends were more important to her
than I was.

And when one of my friends felt left out,
I opted out of Beth’s party.

So the answer came to me in my sleep this morning . . .
asking for referrals backfires
because it makes the person being asked
feel less important.